Hello. Well I'm in a good ass mood today. Things are happy. That's all. Happy summer.
But, I haven't been sad or angry in two weeks. I went to the psychiatrist, and started taking Cymbalta. It definately mellowed me out, in a good way. I don't feel as much pain anymore, which is nice. I'm still afraid I guess, but I also haven't been able to get out much due to finals.
Taz, my pup, had to be put to sleep two mondays ago. That was painful. I feel bad because I felt too overwhelmed to grieve as hard as I wanted to.
I guess I'm a little frusterated, I keep looking at myspace and seeing all these comments about shows my friends are going to. It's weird to be the outside friend... ya know? I mean things are so different for those that are in a relationship vs those that are not. My friends, "the crew" for a majority aren't in relationships. The one that is has a boyfriend that travels half the month so I think she feels single sometimes. I know it's not because I have a boyfriend, it's because I am agoraphobic, but I keep thinking about the fact that even when I was better I still felt on the outside. I am not considered a part of the group, I am just someone who sometimes tags along. I'm disposable to the group as a whole. I don't feel disposable as a friend though, I know that my friends care for me as much as I care for them. At least, Katie and Ryan are that way. Kayleigh and I are always going to be a little odd. I felt a bit hurt though, I know she wanted to be friends with me when Katie was in a relationship, but now that katie's single kayleigh jsut sort of ditched me. Karma's a bitch, I know I've done that to friends before as well.
I don't know, I still feel pretty darn good.
Dick is taking tomorrow off... we're going to celebrate me being on summer break, hopefully by going to a movie.
Damn today is one hot sweaty bitch.
I slept in and woke up late. It smells like poop in the house… I think it’s because all the poop out in the yard is cooking. That’s really disturbing.
Ugh so I just super called getting ditched YET AGAIN! Fuck me up the fucking ass. Fuck I wasn’t DITCHED ditched… just picked over. I mean it was like, backburner friend Aisling to the max as usual. The weird part is that even though now I can CALL when it happens, it still hurts just as much. Anyways, so yesterday I was trying this “positive attitude” thing that Ryan brought up for me. I was super happy and hyper and “attractive” and “desirable” (HAHA) to my friends via text. I set up hanging out with KT for either Wednesday or Thursday. Thursday is my psychiatrist appointment, and Dick took the day off to support me and make sure I make it there. I guess I kind of just wanted to spend the evening with him, but now I’ll have to cancel on Kt and Kristine. Even though both of them would do it to me in a fucking heart beat if it were their boyfriend. I guess I want to be the better person? But I’m not the better anything when it comes to them.
So yeah I woke up and saw that Kayleigh had invited everyone over to Ryan’s (of course excepting me, (I swear to god if I hear any bullshit excuse again like you know you’re invited I will kill myself) SO I knew kt would ditch any tentative plans that we had for them. Fuck it doesn’t matter. I’m just going to stop. Seriously if I keep writing blogs like these there’s just no point.
I’m just sad. Hopefully tomorrow will be a different day.
Well this weekend has felt pretty blurry so far. I have been working my ass off for the last three days in all sorts of areas of life. On Thursday I went to Laura’s as a last minute thing, it was definitely looked at as an accomplishment. I mean I just got up and left at about 10:30. I was out until 2 am! I freaked out at 12:30 and left Laura’s, but once I got in the car I felt better and headed over to Ryan’s. It brought back old memories and old times. I still feel inside like I need to provoke him into liking me so he’ll do what I want. I hate that about our relationship, and it’s also I think one of the big reasons why I’m so jealous of his relationship with the other girls in our group. With me I know that it’s different because he’s been in love with me for 3 years. I can sort of play up on that… with the other girls it’s just fun. It’s what I wanted with Ryan, just a friendship, a real honest to god friendship, nothing more, no sexuality involved. They all get that with him, they get to hang out with him without any sort of history or other things… I get quiet reserved tension when I see him in the group. I think he plays in on it as much as I do. He knows how much it kills me, and I think the mean part of him wants me to be jealous of his relationships, so he ignores me and focus’s on others in the group. Unlike me though, I think he realizes how silly and childish that is quickly into most nights we hang out (which isn’t often because I’m not invited a lot, or when I am I don’t go) so he starts talking to me again.
Shit, for as long as the group has consisted of Kayleigh, Katie, Me, and Ryan… I don’t think I’ve ever felt accepted. Why is it that I can be SO close with one on one interactions between all three of these people (and of course other relationships as well) but I SUCK, I mean completely SUCK at three or more. I get insanely jealous, and it’s not because I want the attention, it’s because I don’t think I’ve ever dealt with how to be in a threesome. Haha.
But as I was saying, when Kayleigh and Katie started to get to know each other and hang out individually, I just about died. I was invited to their shin digs but I’d never have as much fun as I could because I was so wrapped up in my thoughts of jealousy. I was jealous that they were starting a one on one relationship…
Holy shit. It is attention! Fuckers! God fucking damn it! I do want that sort of attention. I want to be loved, not necessarily leading anyone, but just loved like how I feel I am in one on one relationships. Mother fucking shit that fucking sucks.
WOW but as I was saying, I was angry that they were starting a one on one relationship with each other, as well as Ryan. I guess Katie and Ryan were my “Turf” in my head. Fuck that sucks! Oh my god I’m a shitty person. Oh man I have some issues that need to be worked on. (remind me to tell myself to think about just letting go. Remember, people like you more when you act like you don’t care… that whole approach would be a lot better than trying to hold on so tight that everyone runs away!).
Well so I guess I’ll go back to the weekend. So Friday was filled with stressing over how much needed to be done this weekend. I had about 16 hours of homework to accomplish, a whole house to clean, prep for meeting dick’s dad, stress about my feelings on Saturday, knowing that Katie, Kayleigh and Ryan would be going to sasquatch, and a big test ON memorial day! I was just stressed as hell, but also kinda proud of my encounters the previous night. I went out! That’s totally something to give praise to!
So Friday night Ryan and them all went to target, to pal around with everyone…to have fun. I had fun with dick and mom, we watched Little Children, and then went to bed. Saturday Mamabuddy stopped by in the morning, which was really relaxing. I was so happy to see her! Saturday afternoon Dick and I spent cleaning like fucking crazy. I mean serious deep cleaning to get ready for Jeff and Diane (the dad and step mom of Dick). Mom and Dick left for the play, and I was left to do homework and finish running errands. I ended up cooking and cleaning more than doing homework.
At 11 or so everyone came home from the play (Dick’s family and my mom) and we sat up and chatted until around 2. It was really quite nice, I love his family, very good people. This morning, I got up and made breakfast for everyone. I wasn’t sure if I was really accepted by his dad, but later on Dick said that he loved me and thought I was good looking. You know, that felt pretty good to hear, because lately I’ve felt like polar opposite.
Diane channels spirits. No joke. I don’t know if I believe in it but fuck why not. SO anyways we were talking about my agoraphobia and she just read me like a book. It was scary, because I started to well up and panic and she picked up on the feeling like she was feeling it with me! I just about lost it… as she told me about needing to stop trying and controlling situations. I don’t do the control thing like my mom does, but I try to help make other people feel better. I push and enforce it. I also do this in my relationship with friends. I just need to learn how to let go and feel emotion, rather than analyze myself to death. That’s how I got trapped in this cycle, I am trying to take care of my mom and dick, and I look at the relationship as an “or” not an “and”. I can have both mom AND dick, I can have both Katie AND Ryan AND Kayleigh, I can do the and not the or. I’ve got to stop thinking relationships are built on black and white. The “you either have me or you don’t” thing just isn’t true!
Anyways, it was a really touching experience, she just told me that the feelings I get in my gut, that’s my true insides, and my mind is trying to control and push all them down. They are craving change but my mind is so afraid of getting burned that it creates panic and discomfort in my stomach (or a intestine panic attack) that my true self has learned not to fight back on. I just need to start telling myself I really can do this, I can accept change, I can have everything I want! This world is NOT limited. I have so much waiting for me. I can have my relationships with mom and Dick and Katie and Ryan and Kayleigh. I can have “threesome” relationships! They can all be really good if I’d just start giving in to change. I just need to shut my brain off for a while.
But while it’s still on… it hurts looking at every bodies pictures of their fun weekend without me. I forgot about this feeling because it’s been a little while since I’ve seen posted pictures of fun without me.
- Music:Rufis Wainwright- America
Silence of the Lambs, I believe, was the movie where the guy was driven crazy by the barking dog inside his mind. Am I right? I forgot.
Well my neighborhood would be a terrible place for that guy to live, there are two dogs outside that have been non stop barking at eachother for at least 15 minutes now, I don't know if they're going to let up. Doodle even when out for a second to join in, but he decided he was a better dog then those mutts, and stopped after three or four barks. Maybe he was trying to keep the peace? I don't know.
Hmm, well I'm drinking my coffee and trying to wake my tired body up. I'm tired of hearing about Sasquach. All of my friends are going, and it feels like they're just rubbing it in my face. I don't know why I think that, or if Im just being hyper sensitive, but yesterday Kayleigh came over, and every once in a while she'd interject "I'm excited for Sasquach, it'll be nice to hang out with my friends" to which I would just nod my head. I'm working really hard on not overreacting and controling my feelings, but how is that supposed to make me feel? Am I supposed to reply with "Oh I'm so happy for you"? Or like "yeah tell me more about this amazing time that I'm not a part of, I'd really like to know!"
And would it kill Ryan to admit that he's not perfect? I mean sure he does, in his Ryanistic way, but he never admits to the fact that he's not helped the situations that are around him. Kelly's eating disorder is something he even defends. If I go to him saying I was hurt I wasn't invited, he just ignores it... I mean seriously if anything is driving me more nuts, it's that whole situation. Ryan, despite his words of wisdom, never admits that he may actually be able to hurt someone elses feelings. It's like, in a way, he's so down on himself that he doesnt' think it's possible that someone would care. Kayleigh does, as she was saying yesterday, she's left out of the Kelly Ryan saga. Ryan's words are wise, sure, I mean it's true, everyone has different relationships, different dynamics, but why doesn't he EVER admit that people get jealous over other peoples dynamics. I always am hearing how wrong it is for me to be angry that he's friends with my friends, or they're friends with eachother... Wrong!? I mean yes, there's nothing I should or could do about those situations, but it's wrong that I'm mad in the first place? That's bs, and I'll tell you why. Ryan, with his never ending "love" for whatever he thinks I am, is jealous of dick and I. He wouldn't admit it for a second, but I know it's true becuase when we're hanging around eachother (the three of us) he sometimes can't control himself and tends to say mean things. I don't know, shit is it worth it to even say anything more? I don't think so.
- Music:The Arcade Fire
Well hello. It was a rough weekend for me. Friday night Dick and I sort of just worked our troubles out or at least to the best of our knowledge. I made a decision: I either had to be ok with the wedding and what goes on around the wedding, or I had to break up with Dick. I know it's a weird ultimatum, but it's more of a compromise. I wasn't expecting to choose the break up path, so I have chosen to be ok with the wedding, and to do the best I can to be better by that weekend. I mean after all it IS our one year anniversary. Speaking of which, I also decided that we wouldn't do any celebrating of our anniversary. I just know myself and even if I come to terms with the wedding, I probably won't be able to enjoy any celebration of Dick and I. I don't even want to celebrate the last year, seeing as so much of it has been spent indoors not enjoying life.
But, again, with that said, I am ready to enjoy life now. I'm not going to give up, no matter how shitty I get. Life can be so wonderful, and I'm only 20... I just want to give thanks every day for being around still ya know? I used to be really happy, and contrary to this blog, I'm not happy yet, but the major difference between today and yesterday or before is that I have hope that I can be happy again. I guess that does make me a little happy... haha.
So I made the psychiatrist appointment, it's in a little over a week. I talked to my dad about paying for Linda (my old therapist) and I don't know, I just have the will again to try. I don't want to end up like some of the posts I've read on anxietyforum.com. I may have relapses into this depression/agoraphobia, but I want to be able to deal with it. Maybe I'm just having a case of puppy dog optimism or something.
Anyways, I did say it was a rough weekend, I wasn't lying. Friday night after the fighting, Dick, Mom, and I watched Dateline... and just sorta goofed off until we fell asleep.
Saturday morning Dick went to hang out with his mom in Seattle... and I got online to do some homework. While I was there, I checked Myspace, and saw that my friends had a get together the night before. Now, after talking to a few of them, I found out it wasn't like it was planned (most of our get togethers aren't). I heard many excuses why I wasn't invited... but I just was pleading for one of them to say the real reason "you're not invited because you're agoraphobic and not fun anymore". Nobody said it, they all just said things like, well we figured you'd want to stay home, or we just didn't think about that, it wasn't a party...
I mean they circled the reason, but I was just hoping for a reality check... not some excuses.
The worst though was from Katie, as she said "I didn't think because I knew if I invited and you said no, I'd feel rejected".
So I guess in a way I do feel better that I was rejected instead of any one of my friends. But I also know if they had invited me, the fact that if I didn't go, I would reject them, would give me all the more reason to go.
I spent Saturday morning crying and wishing things were different.
But because I wasn't alone with Dick, and Mom left earlier that morning, I decided to take Doodle to the park. I had one of those walks, were you just sorta feel like flying. After we went to the off leash park, I found the entrance to this huge wildlife refuge. I mean I knew it was there for this past year, but I had no idea where you entered it... and it's surrounded by trees and creeks so even though I could see some people inside it, I never found a way myself. Doodle and I walked around those trails until I felt sick (about 15 minutes?) and then walked back to the car.
As soon as we got in the car I felt better... so we started driving towards Bellevue. I got on the Free way to go to Seattle, a place I haven't been to in 8 months or more (That makes me want to cry). I didn't have gas and panicked before we got on the bridge. We came home after that. I felt good about getting out for a while, so no sad thoughts about not making it to my whimsical Seattle. Seattle almost feels like a lost city by now, except I hear fables of it from the people around me. Dick came home, and after a quick visit to the grocery store, Mom, Dick, and I made some turkey meatloaf and watched Pan’s Labyrinth.
Sunday it was rainy, so I just sorta stayed inside. There wasn’t much reason to do anything else I suppose. The theater troupe had a read through of their new play, so I did some homework, then went and watched a series on eating disorders. I sent texts to Ryan, Katie, and Kayleigh, because as much as I gripe and moan about our friendships, I don’t want them to end. I made plans to see Kayleigh on Wednesday, and tried to set something up with Katie.
I just want to be better… I am so sick of being sad. This weekend is Memorial Day, and there are BBQ’s and Dick’s dad will be in town, and I just want to be ok.
- Location:Kirkland, WA
- Music:Wincing the Night Away- The Shins
Last night Dick came home with some upsetting wedding news. One of his close friends/ex drug buddies is getting married in 6 weeks, and he was only going to show up for the wedding portion, but of course there's the rehearsal dinner and what not, so he's going to go spend the night in a hotel the night before. He wasn't going to do this, he told me, or rather promised me he would not do this. But when he went to dinner with the "happy" couple, he didn't fucking stand his ground like the spineless fuck he is. He said ok I'll be there. So he'll end up losing his spine while he's there and smoke and drink. Because he's an ass.
Weeelllllllll, no. He's not an ass, I don't really think that, but I'm angry with him. I'm angry and I feel like I KNOW he will do drugs when he's down there. I mean he'll be alone, with all of his old drug buddies, so of course he'll do drugs. He says he'll get another hotel room, but that doesn't fucking matter. He’ll go there, do drugs, and lie to me about it.
I just hate that he expects me to feel good about all the new changes he’s made. Ok I do feel good about them, but he lied to me for 8 months about things that you shouldn’t lie about. He told me he wouldn’t put himself in a place where he’d be tempted to do drugs, but he is doing that.
But let’s think about it really… what am I really upset about? Not so much that he caved, but that I’ve been with him for 10 months now, and only two months he has known me as normal Aisling. The rest he’s known me as home Aisling. I’m stuck here at home, I cry weekly, and I just want to get better, I want help. I hate it when people bring up the fact that I can’t do things with them, and this wedding is no exception. I’m expected to be better in 6 weeks?! Just to snap out of it? It doesn’t work that way. He wrote me a letter, he begged me to come with him to this wedding, which is an hour and a half away in fucking nowhere land, and have fun? And be there, FOR HIM?! I’m always there for him. This is bull shit. I‘ve asked him for help now at least four times, and he just looks at me dumb founded. When he comes home not asking but raging for help, I pull out the phone book, I found him his therapist, I did every fucking thing I could for him. It is bull shit. I’m at the worst I’ve ever been in my entire life and the only think he can do is just look at me with his lazy eye and say “what? Why are you so sad?”.
Then he talks to me about breaking up, he says I just can’t handle it right now. But the way he says it just seems like there’s an “I can deal with it later, but I want to just use you right now” connotation. I’m frantic, I don’t want to end things with him, but I didn’t know this part of him for 8 months, and now I’m trying to love the part I didn’t know, but it takes time, it takes time to get to know this side of him, and I don’t know if I can do it.
But what does that mean? Do we break up because of this fucking wedding? It’s been looming over us for months and months, every time it gets brought up we fight, when it happens is that it for us? Or will I magically get better just in time to slip into a dress and show up? I doubt the later. I doubt myself. Unless I get admitted to a clinic for my suicidal thoughts and agoraphobia, I don’t see myself being ready in 6 weeks.
But I don’t want to leave him, so do I just give in? I mean there’s two options, give in and let go and let him do whatever he’s going to do and accept it; or break up. Fuck smokers.
- Location:Kirkland, wa
- Music:james brown
So... on Sunday night Dick, my mom, and I had a debate over the porn industry. I do not have a problem with porn as long as it does not hurt anybody, and it's in good consent (IE you didn't sign something while under the influence).
The deal with porn is that it's another media outlet, and sheltering the public from things one person does not deem fit for sexuality -such as fetishes or BDSM- is just silly. To tell someone that they are wrong because they like to dress up in a clown outfit and jizz all over their sheets is out dated and must be stopped. Sure, it's not something every single person does habitually, but hey, to each their own. Unless the pillowcase was alive and said "hey, Ronald, stop jizzin on me" I don't see a problem with it.
Anyways, my mom does have an obvious hatred of the sex industry. She's on that whole "it degrades women" school of thought, which is perfectly reasonable in many cases (because it can be degrading to both parties) but what really bothers me is when someone uses that debate to mask their true feelings about porn. American sexuality is just one big confusing blob. On one hand, in 1000 hours of television, 70% of the images or topics are of sexual nature. Only 2-3% of those images or topics are about safe sex. A show like jerry Springer can follow the 700 club. As many as 50% of American’s say they are religious, and most religions do not condone sex before marriage. Yet, I think I read in my human sexuality course (and I'll look it up again once I find wherever I put that text) that 85% of people over 20 are not virgins. Why do we condone so many mixed messages? Why can’t we just decide if we are for or against sexuality? It’s because we don’t really know what will happen if we start open communication amongst all generations. We are afraid if we start teaching a full spectrum sexuality course in public school, more kids will become sexually active, and the consequences (infections, diseases, unwanted pregnancy) will result.
The deal with porn is that it's another media outlet, and sheltering the public from things one person does not deem fit for sexuality -such as fetishes or BDSM- is just silly. To tell someone that they are wrong because they like to dress up in a clown outfit and jizz all over their sheets is out dated and must be stopped. Sure, it's not something every single person does habitually, but hey, to each their own. Unless the pillowcase was alive and said "hey, Ronald, stop jizzin on me" I don't see a problem with it.
Anyways, my mom does have an obvious hatred of the sex industry. She's on that whole "it degrades women" school of thought, which is perfectly reasonable in many cases (because it can be degrading to both parties) but what really bothers me is when someone uses that debate to mask their true feelings about porn. American sexuality is just one big confusing blob. On one hand, in 1000 hours of television, 70% of the images or topics are of sexual nature. Only 2-3% of those images or topics are about safe sex. A show like jerry Springer can follow the 700 club. As many as 50% of American’s say they are religious, and most religions do not condone sex before marriage. Yet, I think I read in my human sexuality course (and I'll look it up again once I find wherever I put that text) that 85% of people over 20 are not virgins. Why do we condone so many mixed messages? Why can’t we just decide if we are for or against sexuality? It’s because we don’t really know what will happen if we start open communication amongst all generations. We are afraid if we start teaching a full spectrum sexuality course in public school, more kids will become sexually active, and the consequences (infections, diseases, unwanted pregnancy) will result.
I don’t know if you’ve looked around, but it seems like kids are becoming sexually active younger and younger as the generations’ progress, regardless of religion or governmental infulence. What we have going on right now is not working. More and more public schools are teaching abstinence only classes, more and more students are pregnant, or contracting STI's (btw, did you know Sexually transmitted infections is PC now, sexually transmitted disease has a negative conotation for those who do not have a disease but rather an infection). I see many correlations with sexuality presented on TV AND the internet. What the fuck is wrong with this country is all I can say. There’s only one option, and that is to start teaching children what they can do for their sexual health.
I’ll ask the question than again, what’s so wrong with porn? Our culture bred the porn stars of today’s films and photography. Yes many of the women and men that get involved in porn have self esteem issues and drug problems, sure the majority of this medium is not even artistic anymore, but if we sensor those problems we have to sensor the good qualities of porn. Masturbation is a healthy sexual practice. It’s a wonderful form of safe sex, and according to Dr. Oz having 200 orgasms a year can add 5 years onto your life. No hairy palm consequences. Many of the new “alternative forms" of porn are going back to the erotica days. Suicide Girls is a good example, Bodacious magazine is another. If we embraced our sexuality and started condoning good porn examples, opened the communication outlet, started teaching healthy sex practices, as well as respect for one another, maybe the sex industry will catch on and start respecting one another in the same ways that the american public would teach.
I’ll ask the question than again, what’s so wrong with porn? Our culture bred the porn stars of today’s films and photography. Yes many of the women and men that get involved in porn have self esteem issues and drug problems, sure the majority of this medium is not even artistic anymore, but if we sensor those problems we have to sensor the good qualities of porn. Masturbation is a healthy sexual practice. It’s a wonderful form of safe sex, and according to Dr. Oz having 200 orgasms a year can add 5 years onto your life. No hairy palm consequences. Many of the new “alternative forms" of porn are going back to the erotica days. Suicide Girls is a good example, Bodacious magazine is another. If we embraced our sexuality and started condoning good porn examples, opened the communication outlet, started teaching healthy sex practices, as well as respect for one another, maybe the sex industry will catch on and start respecting one another in the same ways that the american public would teach.
This is why I don’t see porn as some corrupt dead end outlet. I think that with time and energy, we could promote porn/erotica as healthy sex. Big porn companies could start changing their Morales, and stop some of the bad behavior on the sets. I think American culture and counterculture can co-exist in harmony, it just takes communication and a willingness to embrace the changes that are happening regardless of what laws are in effect or what is being taught in schools. Maybe I am being too optimistic, but I don't really see any other choice. Sex must go on in order for humans to survive, so why not just admit it. Sex is a good thing.
- Location:Washington state
- Mood:
annoyed - Music:Peaches- The Teaches of Peaches (I think it's appropriate)
Morning. Last night was the finale for Gilmore Girls. I was really fucking sad, no more fun on Tuesday nights for me. I just was really fucking disappointed. It's a TV show but maybe at some point in time I'll write about it more, because in my house it was a long standing tradition. I mean shows don't go on and on, but it'd be nice if they did I guess. Ha, this is a captain obvious lame blog.
Well anyways, there's more that bummed me out. Last night the last of my "close" friends turned 21. I have to go thru this summer with all of my friends being 21. Wah wah. Haha, well it's just... I've always had a complex about being left out. I think I purposefully leave myself out of things, or as most of my friends say, I make up things that don't exist. I think I'm being left out but they tell me I'm not. So I guess I'm not...
Now that they are 21 and I am NOT 21 I actually have a legal line that I can't cross, but they can. Physically I can't do what I want to do with them... I have to be left out. So it's sad. They all went to the Cha-Cha last night. I just was really sad. I am really sad. I already assume that a few of my friends have drinking problems, or what could lead to that. Two of them think that that's the only way they can have fun in a social setting. That really fucking bums me out, I mean come on, I'm not saying it's not fun occasionally, but why do we have to be so fucking stereotypical. Oh we're in our 20's, that must mean we need to get shit faced, take pictures, and put them up on myspace for everyone to see how normal we are...
Haha wait wasn't I just complaining about not being 21 you say? Well yeah, I was. But see, I don't want to drink; I just don't want to be left out. That's why I've felt left out for most of my life. I am too cautious to get plastered, I can't let go and do drugs or drink. I freak out and end up having a bad time. They know this, and I know that they think I'm a party pooper. At least some of them think so.... I don't blame them I pretty much am, because I don't drink more than one or two drinks, IF ANY, in the 6 or 7 hours that we spend together.
My mom is an Alcoholic. My boyfriend is emotionally dependent on drugs and alcohol, more weed than any other shit. I've just seen that path and been down it and it's not me. But why do I feel like I'm always ALWAYS fighting myself on that concept. "It's not me!" I keep telling myself. It really isn't. I'm too self conscious, I'm too paranoid, I'm too worried about everyone else, drinking doesn't help calm those inner voices down (no, not like I'm hearing separate entities, just me talking to myself) it just makes them louder.
Why did I attract these people to me? I don't know, I'm not one to believe in coincidence or faith or that god has a plan for me, but I do find it strange that I grew up with an alcoholic (well recovering, she's been sober for 7 years). My first boyfriend could get addicted to everything, after we broke up he discovered weed... and now smokes it and drinks probably daily. My second boyfriend was OCD.... my current boyfriend has been struggling with discovering he's dependent on things to help him escape (chronic, drinking, comic books)... he's working on it but Jesus, why do I attract these people!?
My best friend Katie, of whom I've been friends with long before she started drinking (15 or 16 years now?) also has a dependency that could form into an addiction easily. I love her to death, I support anything she does practically, but it's so sad to see her going down that path. Kayleigh, a friend of mine since high school, was a wild child. She did drugs while I knew her in high school, hung out with people that did drugs, and dropped out of school to move in with her boyfriend when she was 16. Now she's got her act together, she's dating and living with someone else, she's happy I'd say, and she doesn't do drugs anymore, and doesn't drink much in comparison to others I know, but when she does drink, she knows she can't stop. I don't know, I wouldn't say that she's going to have a problem forever, I'd say that she'll be one of those people that sort of just grow out of it, I know that she's grown out of a lot already. But I bet if things got really fucking incredibly tough, she may turn to the bottle. Anyways, she's a SG, which is pretty cool. She's also going to school to be a nurse, and works part time in at a bread company. Actually, she's probably the most put together of my girl friends.
My other friend Sarah, whom I'm very very close to, is one of those crazy crazy go getters. She's got some things that she is dealing with, and I know she's asked me as well as her self if she's got a drinking problem. I don't think it's a problem yet, but alcoholism sneaks up on you. Her mom has had some substance abuse problems, and she was raised by a very crazy step mother, and a dad who loves her to death but has struggled with some mental stuff for a while. I love Sarah like no other, but I also worry about her, I think she may be Bipolar, she goes through some major highs and lows, it’s scary. It can make it hard to be her friend, because sometimes I've had to just set boundaries and stand my ground, and I hurt her feelings in the process. I hate that, I love her to death, but when she goes into a depressed state, or a manic state, it's hard to tag along when she ends up hurting herself.
My friend Laura seems to have it together. She's engaged to her college sweet heart, she's graduating a pretty cool and smart college next year, she speaks two languages, and umm, well fuck she's just a genius and really cool. She's going into clinical psych. I don't talk to her much since high school... but in high school she wasn't doing well. She went crazy, she suffers from bi polar disorder, and as a result she was OCD, had an eating disorder, and was a cutter. Oi, it was scary sometimes. I worried about her so much in high school. Now she doesn't really talk about it, I think either she is better, has grown out of that, or she's just hiding it. But I know for a second she questioned if she had a drinking problem as well.
My friend Kristine questions it often. She can't stop drinking once she starts. Her mother died of breast cancer when she was 15, and Kristine hasn't been the same ever since. I don't blame her of course. But fuck, I feel bad for her almost the most, she just wants friends and to be accepted ya know? So she drinks, and drinks and drinks.
I only have one normal friend, Ryan. But even still, is it normal for a 32 year old to be hanging out with a bunch of 20 year olds constantly? Is it normal for said above to touch a 17 year old? That being me. Ryan's a long story.
Well anyways, there's more that bummed me out. Last night the last of my "close" friends turned 21. I have to go thru this summer with all of my friends being 21. Wah wah. Haha, well it's just... I've always had a complex about being left out. I think I purposefully leave myself out of things, or as most of my friends say, I make up things that don't exist. I think I'm being left out but they tell me I'm not. So I guess I'm not...
Now that they are 21 and I am NOT 21 I actually have a legal line that I can't cross, but they can. Physically I can't do what I want to do with them... I have to be left out. So it's sad. They all went to the Cha-Cha last night. I just was really sad. I am really sad. I already assume that a few of my friends have drinking problems, or what could lead to that. Two of them think that that's the only way they can have fun in a social setting. That really fucking bums me out, I mean come on, I'm not saying it's not fun occasionally, but why do we have to be so fucking stereotypical. Oh we're in our 20's, that must mean we need to get shit faced, take pictures, and put them up on myspace for everyone to see how normal we are...
Haha wait wasn't I just complaining about not being 21 you say? Well yeah, I was. But see, I don't want to drink; I just don't want to be left out. That's why I've felt left out for most of my life. I am too cautious to get plastered, I can't let go and do drugs or drink. I freak out and end up having a bad time. They know this, and I know that they think I'm a party pooper. At least some of them think so.... I don't blame them I pretty much am, because I don't drink more than one or two drinks, IF ANY, in the 6 or 7 hours that we spend together.
My mom is an Alcoholic. My boyfriend is emotionally dependent on drugs and alcohol, more weed than any other shit. I've just seen that path and been down it and it's not me. But why do I feel like I'm always ALWAYS fighting myself on that concept. "It's not me!" I keep telling myself. It really isn't. I'm too self conscious, I'm too paranoid, I'm too worried about everyone else, drinking doesn't help calm those inner voices down (no, not like I'm hearing separate entities, just me talking to myself) it just makes them louder.
Why did I attract these people to me? I don't know, I'm not one to believe in coincidence or faith or that god has a plan for me, but I do find it strange that I grew up with an alcoholic (well recovering, she's been sober for 7 years). My first boyfriend could get addicted to everything, after we broke up he discovered weed... and now smokes it and drinks probably daily. My second boyfriend was OCD.... my current boyfriend has been struggling with discovering he's dependent on things to help him escape (chronic, drinking, comic books)... he's working on it but Jesus, why do I attract these people!?
My best friend Katie, of whom I've been friends with long before she started drinking (15 or 16 years now?) also has a dependency that could form into an addiction easily. I love her to death, I support anything she does practically, but it's so sad to see her going down that path. Kayleigh, a friend of mine since high school, was a wild child. She did drugs while I knew her in high school, hung out with people that did drugs, and dropped out of school to move in with her boyfriend when she was 16. Now she's got her act together, she's dating and living with someone else, she's happy I'd say, and she doesn't do drugs anymore, and doesn't drink much in comparison to others I know, but when she does drink, she knows she can't stop. I don't know, I wouldn't say that she's going to have a problem forever, I'd say that she'll be one of those people that sort of just grow out of it, I know that she's grown out of a lot already. But I bet if things got really fucking incredibly tough, she may turn to the bottle. Anyways, she's a SG, which is pretty cool. She's also going to school to be a nurse, and works part time in at a bread company. Actually, she's probably the most put together of my girl friends.
My other friend Sarah, whom I'm very very close to, is one of those crazy crazy go getters. She's got some things that she is dealing with, and I know she's asked me as well as her self if she's got a drinking problem. I don't think it's a problem yet, but alcoholism sneaks up on you. Her mom has had some substance abuse problems, and she was raised by a very crazy step mother, and a dad who loves her to death but has struggled with some mental stuff for a while. I love Sarah like no other, but I also worry about her, I think she may be Bipolar, she goes through some major highs and lows, it’s scary. It can make it hard to be her friend, because sometimes I've had to just set boundaries and stand my ground, and I hurt her feelings in the process. I hate that, I love her to death, but when she goes into a depressed state, or a manic state, it's hard to tag along when she ends up hurting herself.
My friend Laura seems to have it together. She's engaged to her college sweet heart, she's graduating a pretty cool and smart college next year, she speaks two languages, and umm, well fuck she's just a genius and really cool. She's going into clinical psych. I don't talk to her much since high school... but in high school she wasn't doing well. She went crazy, she suffers from bi polar disorder, and as a result she was OCD, had an eating disorder, and was a cutter. Oi, it was scary sometimes. I worried about her so much in high school. Now she doesn't really talk about it, I think either she is better, has grown out of that, or she's just hiding it. But I know for a second she questioned if she had a drinking problem as well.
My friend Kristine questions it often. She can't stop drinking once she starts. Her mother died of breast cancer when she was 15, and Kristine hasn't been the same ever since. I don't blame her of course. But fuck, I feel bad for her almost the most, she just wants friends and to be accepted ya know? So she drinks, and drinks and drinks.
I only have one normal friend, Ryan. But even still, is it normal for a 32 year old to be hanging out with a bunch of 20 year olds constantly? Is it normal for said above to touch a 17 year old? That being me. Ryan's a long story.
- Location:Front room
- Music:a KEXP podcast for the summer
Now my journal is gone. Fuck. that fucking sucks.
- Location:Home, as usual
- Music:Wilco- Sky blue Sky (comes out today)
Well this is day one of keeping a more private journal, or rather a journal I hope nobody I know reads. Well really I'm not sure if I want anyone to read it, but I do know I don't want to keep a journal that I write in, and nor do I want to keep one on my own computer's hard drive because, well, I just don't think it's safe to have something available for my loved ones to read.
I say this because once I read my boyfriend's therapeutic journal, and got quite an earful of things I didn't want to read about myself. I knew them, what he said was true. I'm fat, I take for granted the things that are given to me (such as a higher education that is paid for), and I am pathetic. The way he worded it was a bit more poetic than that, but the drift has been caught I assume.
So when I read that I cried... and we had a fight. I wasn't supposed to read it after all, his therapist said so. I'm the one who yelled at him to go to therapy in the first place! He accepted it thankfully, and since then things have been better, much better, for him and I.
But am I better? No, not at all. I'm still agoraphobic, I'm still depressed, and I'm still feeling sorry for myself. I remember in high school I'd write these long melancholy journal entries on a separate page of livejournal, and wonder if I was depressed or just looking for attention. It was the later in hindsight. I mean sure I was depressed... but not for clinical reasons, I was depressed because I felt like nobody paid enough attention to me. I think I've gotten over that, at least to some degree. Maybe it's because I've turned agoraphobic, maybe it's because I don't want to deal with what's really going on inside. I don't know, and right now I'm not sure if I even care much.
Well anyways, today is day one of this journal. I hate to start it when I'm in a negative place, but I don't want to wait until I am better to start keeping track of my life. Might as well start here.
So what does my life consist of? How does one function as an agoraphobic with IBS? The answer is not very well. It's a continual drain on me. Every day I wake up fearing what is outside of my comfort zone. Every day I have diarrhea, no matter what I eat or how I eat it. Every day I am sad now, pretty much every day.
I remember thinking about suicide when I started my last live journal back in high school... I thought long and hard about it, and I really just wanted to mark twain myself off (aka pretend to die to see if anyone noticed and how much they cared). Now it's a lot different, and that's what worries me. Now when I think of suicide, I think of it as a solution, as a way to end the pain, like people who actually commit suicide. It's not that I want to leave my loved ones; I just feel like I'm being eaten by a cancer, everything hurts, I'm so tired. I day dream about finally getting away from my constant fear, about finally putting myself out of the misery of waiting to get better. I'm not waiting, I am doing things, I'm putting my full heart into broadening my comfort zone, into going back to work and school, into getting out and seeing old friends, into going on dates with a man whom I love, whom I also am completely confused by. I'm just failing at them. It's been 8 months. A year ago I was so happy, I was happier than I'd been in years. I had a new love in my life, I was playing music, I was working, I had friends that were amazing, I had a stable relationship with my family, and I was going to college. I don't know, things were just going well, even when they were bad, they weren't THAT bad.
Now every day blends into the next day. I don't sleep because it just makes me more tired, and life as I know it just isn't the same, I have a feeling it never will be the same.
I just can't believe I'm still here. As my boyfriend said "8 months of torture and you're still here".
I think even he may be shocked.
- Location:dining room
- Mood:
crushed - Music:prarie home companion- wilco is on playing songs off of blue sky blue
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doodlelove- agoraphobic
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